Next to the Last Man
James Robert Strope
Cast
ONE, a man
TWO, another man
Scene 1
Wrapped in plastic tarps, two men sit on the ground in front of a pile of books.
TWO
I’m so cold. Put more on.
ONE
They won’t burn.
TWO
I tell you, get them hot enough, they’ll burn. Get one page burning.
ONE
They’re wet.
TWO
Get one going and use it to dry the next.
ONE
It’s like trying to set you on fire.
TWO
If you had a bullet we could take the powder out.
ONE
If we had that, we could do a lot of things.
TWO
Or if you had a candle. You can always get a candle to burn.
ONE
So why don’t you go and get a candle? Just go out and buy one. Walk down to the store.
TWO
It’s so wet.
ONE
That your only complaint?
TWO
I got a fever too.
ONE
Get in the car.
TWO
It’s not raining now.
ONE
Get in the car, shut the doors, and roll down a window. Go to sleep.
TWO
Where is everybody?
ONE
Maybe they’re hiding.
TWO
Nothing to eat. I’m wet.
ONE
Cheer up. The morning will be worse.
TWO
What could be worse than not eating.
ONE
Being eaten.
TWO
You’re right about that.
ONE
It’s getting harder to be wrong about anything.
TWO
I don’t feel safe around you.
ONE
I wouldn’t eat you.
TWO
You’d eat anything.
ONE
I don’t even like you.
TWO
What’s that got to do with it.
ONE
And I can’t get a fire started.
TWO
Sure.
ONE
Get some rest.
TWO
I should fall asleep around you
ONE
Don’t flatter yourself.
TWO
Not a sound. You’re right.
ONE
The young, the old, and the in between.
TWO
We made it this far.
ONE
You think we made it?
TWO
I came a mile today. For nothing.
ONE
We’ve got to make time. We head east. Tomorrow.
TWO
If we had a car.
ONE
Take your pick.
TWO
You never saw my car. I had a good car.
ONE
Where is it now?
TWO
I don’t know. But it was a good car. Ran.
ONE
Japanese
TWO
American. From the 70’s.
ONE
What kind of car was it?
TWO
Thunderbird. Or Merc’ry. Not a Merc’ry. I had a Merc’ry once. That was a good car too. Didn’t run though.
ONE
Yeah, well tomorrow we’ll take one of your good cars and head east.
TWO
There’s snow. And mountains. I’d never make it.
ONE
There’s nothing here.
TWO
There’s nothing out there for a thousand miles. We should stay here.
ONE
For nothing.
TWO
There’s good news.
ONE
What’s that.
TWO
We got the whole place to ourselves.
ONE
That’s because everything’s already been stolen.
TWO
Maybe in a back room or something.
ONE
Or burnt.
TWO
There might be a basement or something. We could get out of the rain.
ONE
Every time you could find a roof, there’s somebody under it. In the dark. Waiting for you. Or a mess. Not keeping company with any corpses. Be advised.
TWO
I used to live in this town.
ONE
So stay. Go ahead. Go. Go on. Make yourself a little home in the library.
TWO
Not without someone to watch my back. God I’m sick. I’m freezing. Fever.
ONE
You’ll shake it.
TWO
Can’t get dry. Can’t sleep.
ONE
Can’t complain.
TWO
Not a sound. Not a single human voice.
ONE
You want to stay out of the cities. That’s where the trouble is. Plus they’re burnt. Nothing there.
TWO
Wish we had something to eat.
ONE
You do.
TWO
What are you talking about. You holding out on me? You got food?
ONE
No. I mean, when you’re starving, you begin to eat yourself. First the sugar. Then the fat.
TWO
You’re a happy person.
ONE
It’s a happy world.
TWO
Someone might come along.
ONE
Finally the heart goes. Brain. Everything follows down the hole. Then it’s out of your hands. The car has a different driver. We’re talking Mr. Rat and family.
TWO
We could eat the rats.
ONE
I could eat a hundred rats.
TWO
Rat sounds pretty good right now.
ONE
Bait makes it easy.
TWO
We got nothing to offer the rats.
ONE
We got you.
TWO
Another reason not to sleep.
ONE
Look. Don’t die on me.
TWO
I’m not planning on it.
ONE
I’d have no one to talk to.
TWO
You don’t talk to me now.
ONE
A hundred less complaints.
TWO
Wish we had a radio.
ONE
No stations.
TWO
Might be one. Some news at least.
ONE
You wouldn’t like it.
TWO
Might be some music.
ONE
Sure. We could dance.
TWO
I wish some comfortable woman would just come along.
ONE
Me too.
TWO
We saw one.
ONE
That was months ago.
TWO
Not much to look at.
ONE
Still. You got to look.
TWO
She turned my head.
ONE
Those guys.
TWO
I’ve never seen an uglier bunch of guys.
ONE
Glad they didn’t see us.
TWO
Don’t just leave me on the ground.
ONE
What are you talking about.
TWO
When I’m dead. Don’t just leave me here.
ONE
Relax. The rats will take care of everything.
TWO
I don’t want to be seen like that.
ONE
Nobody’s going to see you.
TWO
Birds. Vultures.
ONE
There are no birds.
TWO
Promise you’ll bury me.
ONE
I don’t have a shovel. And anyway I don’t feel like digging a hole.
TWO
Promise me.
ONE
You won’t care then.
TWO
I care now. Come on. Everybody does.
Pause
ONE
Okay. I’ll do it.
TWO
I don’t believe you.
ONE
So kick my ass if I don’t.
TWO
I need to know.
ONE
How about if I just burn you.
TWO
Books are wet.
ONE
Maybe it’ll stop raining.
TWO
It’s been raining for months.
ONE
So don’t die. Just go to sleep.
TWO
Don’t leave me here.
ONE
All right. I’ll tell you what. Flowers.
TWO
That would be easy enough.
ONE
Somebody sees you, they’ll know someone cared. And a prayer. What ever I can remember. Just in case.
TWO
Flowers and a prayer. That’s something.
ONE
The least I could do.
TWO
And then a nice big wake. I want a platter of ham and a dish of mashed potatoes. Plus she’s got a platter of beers. Liters of beers around, man. Liters of beer.
ONE
Don’t get started.
TWO
And a sister with milk shakes.
ONE
The condemned gets his last meal.
TWO
What are you talking about? I’m not a criminal.
ONE
We never took more than we could carry.
TWO
We never killed anyone.
ONE
Never saw them die.
TWO
There’s people that don’t care about anybody.
ONE
I care about you, rat-bait.
TWO
I made a mile today. All the way through town.
ONE
Yeah. You did okay.
TWO
A mile for nothing but I did it.
ONE
Not even a gunshot.
TWO
They’re saving it.
ONE
For what?
TWO
For what anybody has.
ONE
We got one thing.
Pause
TWO
Took a lot of trouble to get it. Remember?
ONE
Just another stick now.
TWO
Empty, right?
ONE
I’d give my last virginity.
TWO
We’re out, right?
ONE
We’re out of both.
TWO
Have to sell it.
ONE
Out on the road.
TWO
Try to sell an empty gun.
ONE
To you don’t know who.
TWO
I’ll be on the hill.
ONE
You just stand there in plain sight. Where they can see you.
TWO
They don’t know what I got.
ONE
You’re pretty scary from a distance.
TWO
Wave the gun and make a sign for eat. We trade for food.
ONE
We trade for food.
TWO
I did a mile today.
ONE
It’s a mile to the road.
TWO
Sunup. I’ll wake you.
ONE
You always do.
TWO
What if no one comes down the road?
ONE
Then it’s our road.
TWO
Again.
ONE
We can make some time. Time’s what we need.
TWO
What if they’re really stupid.
ONE
They don’t deserve what they have.
TWO
Or we could be out-numbered. Or outshot.
ONE
Easy to outshoot us.
TWO
We got one advantage.
ONE
What’s that.
TWO
We’re not worth the ammunition it would take to kill us.
ONE
You’re not worth kicking.
TWO
They could just take it away from us.
ONE
I don’t think so.
TWO
No less than beans.
ONE
Not asking much. Good gun. I kept it clean.
Two lies down, rolls over with his back to the fire.
TWO
You can have the sister. I want the food.
ONE
She’s got a pair of sisters.
TWO
She’s got a pair of everything.
ONE
You drink right out of the pitcher.
TWO
If you fall over, they prop you back up. You have to keep up.
ONE
They need those tables.
TWO
There’s serious drinkers outside waiting to get in. Just sit in your chair and eat and drink.
ONE
Not a lot to ask for.
TWO
What’s for breakfast.
ONE
We cleaned out the refrigerator and the zoo.
TWO
We were hungry.
ONE
Not even a sparrow.
TWO
Something else got the birds.
ONE
I wish it would stop raining.
TWO
It’s cleaning the air.
Pause
ONE
Ought to be real clean by now.
TWO
We should stay. At least there’s rat.
Long pause
ONE
Hey. Wake up. Daylight’s coming. We should get moving. Breakfast is not looking for us. Or maybe it is. Coming down the road. The ham. Hey look. And potatoes too.
Never seen him sleep so sound.
You talk too much. Anybody ever tell you before? Can’t you just shut up for a while? Ever hear of the silent treatment? Try it out. Maybe you’ll like it.
You used to get up early. Didn’t lay around so much.
No reason for names now. Just this and that. I’m everybody.
He didn’t smell so good when he was alive.
One takes an apple from his pocket.
He takes a bite.
He takes the rifle and walks off.
Lights down.
words